Customer: Do you have kale?
Employee: We only have organic kale.
— Overheard at the grocery store. Yes, I’m in Portland.
Hobo: And thanks to that little girl, today you can find apples in everything that’s good: apple wine, apple whiskey, apple schnapps, apple martinis… uh, Snapple with vodka in it, apple nail polish remover…
Lisa Simpsons: Don’t forget apple sauce.
Hobo: Yeah, I suppose you could grind some pills into it.
— From an episode of The Simpsons (“Simpsons Tall Tales”)
Larry David: I started to eat very healthy foods and [my ex-wife] just hated that. Hated it.
Conan O’Brien: Why did she hate it if you ate healthy foods?
Larry David: You know, I suspect she wanted me to die.
— Larry David & Conan O’Brien
After several days of unhealthy eating, I plead with Daisy, “No more burgers.” She agrees.
That night, she drags me to a hot dog restaurant. They have every type of hot dog you’d want. The vegetables are battered and fried (or for the health-conscious, fried without batter.) And I order the healthiest thing in sight: a burger. Made of pork belly.
I know plenty of words, thank you very much. I just [swear] to heighten my already passionate feelings. It’s like the MSG of language.
—Chrissy Teigen, discussing her recipe for brick chicken.
If I could eat in my sleep, I would.
—Brian, who always has the best quotables.
One day we’re going to find you nodding out in an alley somewhere with a rubber band around your arm and a handful of cake in your fist.
—Jill, after discovering the tonnage of desserts I consume. Highly unlikely scenario. No way would I have a handful of cake leftover.
When I drink wine and then drink coffee it’s like an internal battle in my head.
—Doug, realizing after dinner that he has to order coffee and work that night.
This is pleasant. I wish I had a warm tray of stuffing on my lap at all times.
—Amanda, while sitting in the backseat of a car, transporting Thanksgiving dinner to the hosts’ home. We hope you all had a great holiday, too!
Bartlet: You know what we’re starting with tonight?
Lyman: No, sir.
Bartlet: Hot pumpkin soup with a cheese gnocchi & chèvre brioche.
Lyman: Was anything you just said… food?
— From an episode of The West Wing
I want the biggest cheeseburger you got. Instead of salad, I want fries. Instead of fruit, I want chili fries.
—Jay Pritchett from an episode of Modern Family
Doctor, when can I eat hard cheeses again?
—Liz Lemon from an episode of 30 Rock (“Future Husband”)
I almost said these exact words. Recently, while taking antibiotics to combat an illness, the doctor ordered me to avoid two things: dairy and sunlight. No problem. Who needs dairy and sunlight? Besides well-balanced human beings who enjoy life and feel happiness.
But I like not being dead, so I follow directions. I shield myself from dairy and hide from the sun, hoping this is not how vampires are born. Occasionally, I crawl out of bed to eat. No butter. No cheese. No dairy of any kind. In the dark. A melange of medication for dessert. Tiramisu is played out, anyway.
This week, I finished the last of the antibiotics. Now, I can finish the last of the ice cream.
This blog post is dedicated to my dear friend, Jill. Most co-workers, friends and frenemies sent me traditional “get well” messages. But Jill threatened me on Facebook:
so, can I remove your blog from my RSS feed? because it hasn’t been updated in months. what, was your level of food snobbery not welcome in portland? have you started putting A1 on your well done filets?
Her kind words touched me in ways I can not describe. A cold day, devoid of sunlight was brightened by the warmth of this message. I credit my quick recovery to Jill’s boundless compassion. Fancypants Ivy League educated medical professionals will claim that prescription drugs and modern medicine are the real heroes, but I — and everyone reading this — knows the truth.
The pig is an amazing animal. You feed a pig an apple. It makes bacon. The pig is turning an apple — essentially garbage — into bacon! That’s magic. Or the most successful recycling program ever.
—Jim Gaffigan on his stand-up special, King Baby
Robert: Hey, ma. I told Nemo you were hurt so he threw in these breadsticks for free
Marie: These look old
Frank: You are what you eat
Marie: Robbie, give your father his order of Miserable Bastard
— From an episode of Everybody Loves Raymond
When I first started cooking, it was an easy way to get a girl to my house. Instead of taking them out to dinner, I could get them home. Food’s an aphrodisiac, then you pour a little wine onto that. Then you move on to the next… level.
— Giovanni Filipponi, a contestant on Hell’s Kitchen
I don’t stop eating when I’m full. The meal is not over when I’m full. The meal is over when I hate myself! That’s when I stop. I guess normal people eat ‘till they’re like, “Oh, that’s all the nutrition I require, right there. I will cease the intake now. And convert this into useful energy throughout the day!”
—Louis C.K. on his stand-up special, Chewed Up