I want the biggest cheeseburger you got. Instead of salad, I want fries. Instead of fruit, I want chili fries.

—Jay Pritchett from an episode of Modern Family

Doctor, when can I eat hard cheeses again?

—Liz Lemon from an episode of 30 Rock (“Future Husband”)

I almost said these exact words. Recently, while taking antibiotics to combat an illness, the doctor ordered me to avoid two things: dairy and sunlight. No problem. Who needs dairy and sunlight? Besides well-balanced human beings who enjoy life and feel happiness.

But I like not being dead, so I follow directions. I shield myself from dairy and hide from the sun, hoping this is not how vampires are born. Occasionally, I crawl out of bed to eat. No butter. No cheese. No dairy of any kind. In the dark. A melange of medication for dessert. Tiramisu is played out, anyway.

This week, I finished the last of the antibiotics. Now, I can finish the last of the ice cream.

This blog post is dedicated to my dear friend, Jill. Most co-workers, friends and frenemies sent me traditional “get well” messages. But Jill threatened me on Facebook:

so, can I remove your blog from my RSS feed? because it hasn’t been updated in months. what, was your level of food snobbery not welcome in portland? have you started putting A1 on your well done filets?

Her kind words touched me in ways I can not describe. A cold day, devoid of sunlight was brightened by the warmth of this message. I credit my quick recovery to Jill’s boundless compassion. Fancypants Ivy League educated medical professionals will claim that prescription drugs and modern medicine are the real heroes, but I — and everyone reading this — knows the truth.

The pig is an amazing animal. You feed a pig an apple. It makes bacon. The pig is turning an apple — essentially garbage — into bacon! That’s magic. Or the most successful recycling program ever.

—Jim Gaffigan on his stand-up special, King Baby

Robert: Hey, ma. I told Nemo you were hurt so he threw in these breadsticks for free
Marie: These look old
Frank: You are what you eat
Marie: Robbie, give your father his order of Miserable Bastard

- From an episode of Everybody Loves Raymond

When I first started cooking, it was an easy way to get a girl to my house. Instead of taking them out to dinner, I could get them home. Food’s an aphrodisiac, then you pour a little wine onto that. Then you move on to the next… level.

- Giovanni Filipponi, a contestant on Hell’s Kitchen

I don’t stop eating when I’m full. The meal is not over when I’m full. The meal is over when I hate myself! That’s when I stop. I guess normal people eat ‘till they’re like, “Oh, that’s all the nutrition I require, right there. I will cease the intake now. And convert this into useful energy throughout the day!”

-Louis C.K. on his stand-up special, Chewed Up

They say Flintstones Vitamins are chewable… All vitamins are chewable — they just taste shitty.

-Mitch Hedburg on his stand-up special, Do You Believe In Gosh?