Bartlet: You know what we’re starting with tonight?
Lyman: No, sir.
Bartlet: Hot pumpkin soup with a cheese gnocchi & chèvre brioche.
Lyman: Was anything you just said… food?

— From an episode of The West Wing

Doctor, when can I eat hard cheeses again?

—Liz Lemon from an episode of 30 Rock (“Future Husband”)

I almost said these exact words. Recently, while taking antibiotics to combat an illness, the doctor ordered me to avoid two things: dairy and sunlight. No problem. Who needs dairy and sunlight? Besides well-balanced human beings who enjoy life and feel happiness.

But I like not being dead, so I follow directions. I shield myself from dairy and hide from the sun, hoping this is not how vampires are born. Occasionally, I crawl out of bed to eat. No butter. No cheese. No dairy of any kind. In the dark. A melange of medication for dessert. Tiramisu is played out, anyway.

This week, I finished the last of the antibiotics. Now, I can finish the last of the ice cream.

This blog post is dedicated to my dear friend, Jill. Most co-workers, friends and frenemies sent me traditional “get well” messages. But Jill threatened me on Facebook:

so, can I remove your blog from my RSS feed? because it hasn’t been updated in months. what, was your level of food snobbery not welcome in portland? have you started putting A1 on your well done filets?

Her kind words touched me in ways I can not describe. A cold day, devoid of sunlight was brightened by the warmth of this message. I credit my quick recovery to Jill’s boundless compassion. Fancypants Ivy League educated medical professionals will claim that prescription drugs and modern medicine are the real heroes, but I — and everyone reading this — knows the truth.

Today’s breakfast: A buttermilk biscuit sandwich, filled with fried chicken, thick-cut bacon, cheddar cheese and a fried egg, topped with sausage gravy. All before 7:30 AM.

I’m wandering around Portland, Oregon this week, trying all the local eateries. This behemoth of a sandwich is known as The Reggie Deluxe and is available at Pine State Biscuits. If you’re searching for a meal that can simultaneously start and end your day, look no further.

Every component of this fork-and-knife sandwich is well-prepared. Biscuit? Freshly baked. Chicken? Crispy and moist. Bacon? Thick and chewy. All the individual ingredients come together to form this super sandwich (that requires super arteries, should you choose to eat the whole thing.)

I had to travel across state lines, but I finally found a morning meal that rivals the dangerous breakfast burrito from Rose’s Cafe. Thanks Pine State Biscuits!

And when you do, you’ll beat yourself over the head for all those times you didn’t stuff your face with ice cream. For all those times you said “no thanks” when the waiter asked if you had any room left for dessert. For all the scrambled eggs you made without cheese. For all the corn you ate without a nice coat of butter.

God, I just want a McFlurry!

If you haven’t tried a hamburger with avocado or prosciutto with fresh mozzarella, you’re missing out.

• Pepper cheesesteak with white american cheese from Amato’s
• 4 toffee crunch cookies from Whole Foods (Don’t judge me.)
• Fiberful natural dried fruit from Trader Joe’s

After my trip to Whole Foods at 9:45pm, I decided to see if Amato’s Cheesesteaks was still open.

Luckily, I got there a few minutes before they closed up shop. A girl was sweeping the floors and cleaning the tables. I hate to be That Guy, who comes in right when you think you’re done working, but I was craving a good cheesesteak after a day of running errands around the entire city.

Some reviewers on Yelp have said the girl who works at Amato’s has a bad attitude, but I’ve always found her pleasant. Even this night, when I’m coming in as she’s trying to leave, she says I have plenty of time before they close. Judging by the lack of customers and chairs on top of the tables, I’d say she was lying to make me feel comfortable.

I got my order to-go (chickening out at the last second and ordering White American cheese instead of Whiz). When my food was ready, I got up, pushed in the chair I was sitting in and headed for the door. As I left, the girl said, “Thanks for coming in, man. And thanks for pushing in that chair — nobody does that!”

I live to please… My selfless act of kindness that will no-doubt encourage further betterment in the world, is surely deserving of a handful of cookies.

And that is how I gained a pound overnight.

1. three bowls of Chinese cabbage soup (I finally finished the huge tub of soup my mom gave me)
2. one plate of salad with goma dressing
3. half of a See’s milk chocolate bar with toffee
4. one slice of hawaiian pizza
5. two servings of sour cream and onion chips
6. some strawberries
7. two small cubes of cheese
8. some grapes
9. 1/8 of a piece of sausage
10. two baby carrots
11. one bit of chocolate cake

okay, I guess when I list it all out, it doesn’t seem blasé. but I don’t really like hawaiian pizza, chocolate, or cake.

1. 1/3 of an Asiago cheese bagel with cream cheese from Noah’s
2. 1/3 of a blueberry bagel with blueberry cream cheese from Noah’s
3. half a See’s milk chocolate bar with toffee
4. two big bowls of my mom’s Chinese cabbage soup (which is a lot like Russian cabbage soup except not nearly as sour, and way tastier!)
5. five plates of romaine salad with goma dressing, yes, FIVE. Goma dressing is THAT amazing, it makes eating plain salad not only tolerable but quite enjoyable. You can find goma dressing at your local japanese grocery store.

• Sample of 9-month aged Murray Bridge Australian sharp cheddar from Whole Foods. Recommended — I actually buy this cheese on a regular basis.
• Jjamppong (a spicy noodle soup with seafood and vegetables)
• Fortune cookie
• Espresso chocolate chip cookie from Whole Foods
• Cold slice of combination pizza
• Organic California-grown red seedless grapes

I reviewed my past food logs and it looks like I need to sneak more fruit into my daily diet. I’ll work on that this week.

My not-so-secret problem

• Espresso Chocolate Chip Cookies
• 11 brownies from the Apple Cafeteria (details in an upcoming post)
• Belgian chocolate assortment

Grains & carbs

• Kashi Whole Grain Flakes cereal
• Kashi GoLean Crunch Honey Almond Flax cereal
• Organic stuffing mix

Vegetarian assortment

• Eggplant pesto
• Tomato & basil hummus
• Garlic mint cheese
• Sweet jalapeno spread
• Spinach bolani
• Lentil bolani

Bolani is a super thin flat-bread that’s filled with spinach, lentil, pumpkin or potato and baked in a clay oven. I buy it at my local farmer’s market and it contains no meat or meat products. All you do is break off some bread and put on whatever sauces/spreads you think will taste good together. Then try to eat it quickly before anyone asks you for samples.

The garlic mint cheese sounds weird, but I see it getting the most use. It tastes pretty darn good as a base— just throw some sweet jalapeno or eggplant pesto on top and it’s good to go.

Food’s food

• Organic strawberries
• Raspberries
• Cherries
• Navel oranges

Sweetish fish

• Salmon filets
• Lemon
• Brown sugar

One weekend, I got it into my head that I was going to create a salmon recipe that utilized a citrus sauce/glaze. I’ll write the details on this later (complete with pictures).

nature’s candy:

• Red, seedless grapes
• Raspberries
• Blueberries
• Strawberries (organic)
• Dried fruit bars

human’s candy:

• Cappuccino almonds
• Lemon honey almonds
• Espresso gelato
• Dark chocolate almond Laceys (review)
• Espresso chocolate chip cookies

all that non-candy stuff:

• White mushrooms
• Portobello mushrooms
• Sliced pepperoni
• Sliced prosciutto
• Uncooked shrimp
• Wild citrus salmon
• Pizza sauce
• Fresh mozzarella (ovalini)
• Fresh mozzarella (bocconcini)
• Whole wheat pita bread (organic)
• Herb bread (organic)

I don’t always have hours to slave over a homemade pizza (but I wish I did). So lately I’ve been using pita bread as the crust for some quick mini-pizzas. I have some leftover chicken, pesto and smoked mozzarella and a really great BBQ sauce (which I’ll review later) so I’m able to mix up the toppings quite a bit. One of my favorites: marinara sauce, fresh mozzarella, pepperoni and shrimp that’s been sautéed garlic, herbs and red wine.

As I post more of these lists, I suspect I’m gonna feel more and more guilty about the obscene amounts of chocolate I consume to power through my days. But that’s okay. It will simply spiral me into a deep depression that will lead to more of that sweet, sweet chocolate.