December 15 — Happy National Cupcake Day!

I began my morning determined to spread the excitement, wonder and joy that is National Cupcake Day. Anyone who knows me well can attest, I am always and forever an engine of sharing delight… (Shut up, Anyone-who-knows-me-well.)

So I forwarded a link to Tatyana, informing her of our beloved and cherished national holiday. I sat back, satisfied, anticipating a sweet response to my sweet gesture of a sweet link…

Now, Tatyana is a known vegetarian. And I was quickly reprimanded for daring to send her a link that contained (among other cupcake photos) a photo of a honey-baked ham cupcake. “What a shameless disrespect!” she contemptuously castigated — yes, castigated — from her high gift horse on a throne.

Well, this meat-free, mea culpa cupcake photo & post is dedicated to her royal high(maintenance)ness. HAPPY fucking national cupcake day NOW?!

Done

Previously on Cut & Taste

• Before & After: Dark Cherry Chocolate Cupcake
• Before & After: Red Velvet Cupcake

Previously on Cut & Taste: When no one’s looking, I cut myself and Extra burnin olive oil

Tatyana at the Museum of the Moving Image in Astoria, New York

Not pictured: tiny half-bite-size shortbread cookies from Alienman, who enjoys subtle dessert flavors that feature hints of sugar notes. I don’t play that shit. When you do as many desserts as I do, you quickly build up a tolerance. Only the darkest, boldest, raw and uncut confections will bring about the satisfaction that you crave.

But I will give her props. Last night, we got caked up at Cassidy’s with a flourless chocolate cake topped with mint ice cream. And a side of strawberry crème brûlée… You heard me.

Done

A productive day: healthy lunch, 3 cups of french press coffee, red velvet cupcake and some design work from Crema Bakery with the company of Alienman & Zachary. Shout out to Amanda, who joined us for lunch, but bailed back to the office before the caffeine & sugar overload. What a healthy, responsible, professional, modern working woman chump.

Done

Previously on Cut & Taste

• Keep Portland Weird — A review of Crema, from my first visit to Portland
• A Piece of Cake — A short & sweet dessert dilemma

When I drink wine and then drink coffee it’s like an internal battle in my head.

—Doug, realizing after dinner that he has to order coffee and work that night.

My buddy Will just told me he spent $400 at Cloud Seven Cafe last year, according to his accounting at Mint. (It should be noted that Cloud Seven didn’t even exist until July 2010.) I’ve had the good sense to always pay with cash so I can live in blissful, untracked ignorance. I’m off the grid, baby.

Considering I’m there with him all the time, I don’t know if I should be more worried about the amount of money I’m spending or the amount of caffeine I’m consuming. Obviously at the end of this road is a bleak future as a penniless junkie who wanders the streets, disheveled and in disarray, holding a coffee mug that’s long been fused to my shaking fingers.

So anyway, they make good coffee.

It’s difficult to maintain the illusion that I’m a dominant alphamale when I have such a girly-looking drink in front of me. Next time, I’m requesting a cup with skulls, dinosaurs, and big rockets. With a biscotti the shape of a medieval saber.

Previously on Cut & Taste

• Coffee Art
• I Heart Coffee

Lemon poppy cupcake with raspberry buttercream. Double-shot Americano. From Crema Bakery & Cafe in southeast Portland, Oregon.

The cafe

I love the layout of this cafe. Big, open, lots of windows and lots of hardwood.

The coffee

Their regular house coffee is from a french press. So it’s very strong. In fact, they provide hot water, right next to the coffee dispenser. Puny, weak mortals use this water to wuss-ify their drink. Can’t handle a french press? Get in the hot water line — with the other small-boned children.

The characters

A very intense guy started talking to me about how his ex-girlfriend was trying to kill him. That was the first thing he said to me.

After 2 minutes of him ironically ranting about crazy women, I tried to feign sudden hearing loss. I became engrossed in whatever was on my laptop screen and prayed for the girl sitting on the other side of me to bail me out. No luck. The guy topped off his one-sided conversation by inviting me to “team up” with him and fight strangers.

I had to decline, for I was in Portland on vacation and had to fly back home immediately. But after all this, for reasons beyond understanding, I moved to Portland... And no, it wasn’t to team up and fight strangers.