December 15 — Happy National Cupcake Day!

I began my morning determined to spread the excitement, wonder and joy that is National Cupcake Day. Anyone who knows me well can attest, I am always and forever an engine of sharing delight… (Shut up, Anyone-who-knows-me-well.)

So I forwarded a link to Tatyana, informing her of our beloved and cherished national holiday. I sat back, satisfied, anticipating a sweet response to my sweet gesture of a sweet link…

Now, Tatyana is a known vegetarian. And I was quickly reprimanded for daring to send her a link that contained (among other cupcake photos) a photo of a honey-baked ham cupcake. “What a shameless disrespect!” she contemptuously castigated — yes, castigated — from her high gift horse on a throne.

Well, this meat-free, mea culpa cupcake photo & post is dedicated to her royal high(maintenance)ness. HAPPY fucking national cupcake day NOW?!

Done

Previously on Cut & Taste

• Before & After: Dark Cherry Chocolate Cupcake
• Before & After: Red Velvet Cupcake

One day we’re going to find you nodding out in an alley somewhere with a rubber band around your arm and a handful of cake in your fist.

—Jill, after discovering the tonnage of desserts I consume. Highly unlikely scenario. No way would I have a handful of cake leftover.

Not pictured: tiny half-bite-size shortbread cookies from Alienman, who enjoys subtle dessert flavors that feature hints of sugar notes. I don’t play that shit. When you do as many desserts as I do, you quickly build up a tolerance. Only the darkest, boldest, raw and uncut confections will bring about the satisfaction that you crave.

But I will give her props. Last night, we got caked up at Cassidy’s with a flourless chocolate cake topped with mint ice cream. And a side of strawberry crème brûlée… You heard me.

Done

A productive day: healthy lunch, 3 cups of french press coffee, red velvet cupcake and some design work from Crema Bakery with the company of Alienman & Zachary. Shout out to Amanda, who joined us for lunch, but bailed back to the office before the caffeine & sugar overload. What a healthy, responsible, professional, modern working woman chump.

Done

Previously on Cut & Taste

• Keep Portland Weird — A review of Crema, from my first visit to Portland
• A Piece of Cake — A short & sweet dessert dilemma

After 24 years of diligent practice and non-stop training, I know how to tell when I’ve had enough cookies: When there’s none left. And the bag, box or bakery is empty. And there’s chocolatey, sugary, sometimes-snickerdoodley pain in my stomach.

Previously on Cut & Taste

• Alarmingly good — Information about Gregory’s
• Chewed Up — Louis C.K. talks about being full

The decision was a piece of cake.

All cause of Gregory’s Gourmet Desserts in Oakland, California. They’re open to the public one day a week: Wednesdays at 11:00AM (They close when they sell out.) Gregory’s is first & foremost a wholesale bakery, catering to hotels & restaurants. But due to public demand, they decided to open their doors to common streetwalkers — one day a week.

Ambiance

Their priority still lies with their corporate clients: They don’t have a “store-front” for the public. No fancy glass cases to show off their sweets like expensive jewelry. You basically walk down some stairs to a back room of the kitchen where they sell you cookies right off the baking trays.

No fancy printed menu behind the cash register (no cash register, either.) Instead, you walk by a human-sized dry-erase whiteboard just outside the door, filled from edge-to-edge with a huge list of cookies, cakes & cobblers. It’s not even pretty handwriting. It looks like I wrote it — And if you’ve ever had the misfortune of getting something handwritten from me, you know how shocking that is.

Fuck it. They don’t make menus, they make desserts. And you want ‘em.

My findings

• Key lime pie
• Peach cobbler
• 3 dark chocolate coffee cookies
• White chocolate blueberry oatmeal cookie. Tons of blueberry flavor. This is coming from a guy who’s still recovering from a cold.
• Peanut butter chocolate chip cookie
• Snickerdoodle

All for me.

Chocolate mousse topped with strawberries; Raspberry mousse with whipped cream, Lemon mousse topped with blueberries; Triple chocolate brownie a la mode, Apple cinnamon crisp a la mode, Bread pudding with raisins & vanilla, with buttery whiskey sauce:

Done.

(Actually, there’s still some left in the photo above, but it really was completely finished before we left. I wouldn’t lie to you.)

I showed up too late to try the Mexican Hot Chocolate Cupcakes that Jill was talking about, but she was nice enough to bake another kind of vegan cupcake:

A pretty darn good vegan dessert — makes you wonder how much better it would’ve been with the addition of tasty, tasty animal products.

Thanks to my homie, Bilal, at my local Farmer’s Market I scored the last of his baklava tray for five bucks (regular price would have been $14). Every week, he hooks me up with a super deal on his food. And all I had to do was be a loyal customer for a year — an easy task.

A quick story

A while back, Bilal was telling me how his sales were low that particular day. We talked for a while and I bought $15 worth of food, paying with a 20 dollar bill. After talking some more, I asked for my change. Turns out, I had accidentally given him a 10 dollar bill, shorting him $5.

Yes, I can count. But I’m usually half-awake (or as the pessimist in me wants to say, I’m half-asleep) when I stumble into the Farmer’s Market each Sunday morning. So I wasn’t thinking very clearly. Thing is, he didn’t even mention my mistake until I brought it up. He was prepared to silently take the $5 hit, even after a dismal day of sales, just to keep me as a loyal customer. Dude is a class act.

If you ever visit the Blossom Hill Farmer’s Market, don’t leave without visiting the Afghan booth, next to the (also great) cinnamon bread stand. Bilal, a young guy in his 20’s, will be there with his usual lively banter, giving you enough free samples to skip breakfast. Unless I buy everything first.

Related post: Grocery list #2 – Where I talk about some of the other food Bilal sells

Think of it as the best sandwich in town. But instead of bread, it’s almond-toffee. And all that healthy stuff that goes in the middle has been replaced with dark chocolate. I highly recommend this evil concoction brought to you by a company called, Desserts On Us. (Bought from Whole Foods.)

There’s also a Milk Chocolate Macadamia flavor, which is quite good.

It’s pure fatty, chocolate-y fun. With no corn syrup. So you can eat a whole box and not feel guilty. And since it has 1 gram of fiber per serving, you might as well buy two boxes. Not to mention the 2 grams of protein. I can already see this treat being the basis for the next fad diet.

ingredients

Bittersweet chocolate (unsweetened chocolate, sugar, cocoa butter, milk fat, soy lecithin (emulsifier), vanilla), almonds, sugar, butter (milk), cream, enriched flour (wheat flour, niacin, iron, thiamine mononitrate, riboflavin, folic acid), honey, vanilla.